Rethink Your Communication
Communication is key in any relationship. Most of us have a basic idea about what communicating with a partner looks like, yet, it doesn’t always go smoothly. Whether you’re in the honeymoon phase or have already withstood the tests of time, effective communication and interaction remains essential. FPC Therapist Kerry Simizon, MA, MHC shares some of her insights on strengthening your communication connection.
Approach Communication with Curiosity
When we interact, we intend to express thoughts, voice perspectives, and maybe even prove a point. As eager as we are to be heard, it’s important to allow our partner the attention necessary to also be heard. Consider communication as a way to create connection. Viewing communication as a means to explore and empathize with our partner’s perspective can accomplish this. We’re more likely to build understanding if we approach with curiosity.
Push Pause
Sometimes our chats become challenging. You begin to fill with tension, your thoughts are racing, and that make or break moment is seconds away. In those few remaining seconds, if you can choose to yell, criticize, insult, blame, threaten, it makes the conflict persist with more ammunition than before. Choose to take those few remaining seconds to push pause: be silent, listen, and think. Although our instinct is to respond immediately — maybe even by one-upping our partner — pausing before responding will enhance finding the solution, rather than cause further upset.
Cultivate Understanding
Now that you and your partner are calm, in a comfortable environment, and ready to be open, it’s time to address the issue. Keeping the goals of communication in mind, you and your partner can take turns speaking, listening, and clarifying. This process may be slower than what you’re used to, but you’re taking time to cultivate understanding. You may notice assumptions were made, triggers were activated, or that the real issue pertains to a habit or action, rather than the individual sitting across from you. If you’re able to take this calm moment with your partner, an objective and productive conversation is more likely to follow.
Enhancing Communication Connections
While an open discussion may be flowing, there are still ways to enhance your communication style. It’s important to use common language and take each other seriously, avoiding disrespectful impressions. Additionally, if your body language shows that you’re engaged, you’ll appear invested in the resolution. You may choose to face each other, make eye contact, nod, uncross arms, etc. Lastly, remember to speak from your own point of view to avoid blame and shame. “I” statements put emphasis on your experience, rather than on your partner’s shortcomings. We’d all rather hear, “I feel disconnected when I’m unaware of your plans.” instead of, “You never tell me what you’re doing!” Disagreements can be frustrating, but effective communication can facilitate solutions.
